A Mature (?) Student
A year in the life of a mature student.
Having spent the last few weeks, relaxing and taking it easy, it came as a huge surprise to realise that I enrol for college next week! OMG, the time has evaporated! I am not nervous about the study aspect of going back to college, but I am worried about walking into a room full of people that I don’t know and having to talk to them. I tend to get a bit "arsey" when I’m uncomfortable and this has a habit of putting people's backs up. Never a good way to start.
Today I went for a coffee with my friend ...(she's my first follower.) Our coffee turned into lunch at Lakota, as it was incredibly cheap and really, really tasty. We were talking about how tight money is, and I mentioned that I may well be selling my TV and going without one completely. Initially, this will save me an average of £50 a month on my Sky and TV License, but thinking about it further, it should also help me to stay focussed on my studying.
Think about it. How many times do we stop what we are doing and stare vacantly at the television, only to find that the dinner has now burnt and you have completely forgotten what you were doing? With no TV to distract me with salacious images of David Tenant (ooooohhh!!), I should be able to knuckle down and stay focussed.
Well, given that I am 45 next month, I can't afford to mess about with my education, or I will be retiring by time I qualify!
Then I got to thinking how good my teeny weeny sitting room would look without the huge 42 inch TV taking up a whole wall. I could even have a coffee table to pile all the detritus upon, whilst balancing a cup of coffee on my lap. I could dedicate a space to the sewing machine I have never used; I could make all those incredible outfits I dream about. I could play games with my grandbabies.......... ok, that is going too far!
Apparantly, I can buy a dongle (!!?) for £15 and then pay as I go, about £10-15 pm. Still seems a lot cheaper than my current set up.
I found out that the library stays open till 7:30, so again, I can use their internet for the stuff the college system wont let me access. No, not porn. I’m way too uptight for that.
So, I am going to continue to think this through and then make a decision at the weekend. I’m 70% sure I want to do it at the moment.
Only a week to go till I enrol.
As I had promised myself to give college 100% commitment and effort, I realised that I have not put aside the enrolment fee. As I am on benefits, each 'pay day' I have a choice to pay either for food or bills. This week I bought food and now have no money till a fortnights' time. Bloody clever aren't I? So, how am I to conj our up £105 by next Friday? Being old fat and ugly, I don’t have a sugar daddy, so I asked the local provvy lady to up my loan, she will let me know tomorrow. Fingers crossed. If that goes tits up, imp thinking there may be a street corner I can hang out on?
Lesson learnt? BE PREPARED!!!!!!!!!
See you tomorrow.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
I decided today that selling the TV is definitely the way to go, so put it on my facebook. The provvy lady text me back but it was a little ambiguous. I think I can get the loan next week, but not totally sure. Pray the TV sells or this college business could be over before it begins!
Off to baby-sit for my sisters kid so she can get a night out with her fella.
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Well, enrolment is tomorrow and I still don't have the fees together! So I put it on EBay. I just had to come to terms with the fact that I would get a terrible price for it. I cannot think about how much I paid, just that the money will cover my fees and I am fully committed to not having a TV in the house. The Provvy Lady text me today that I can't get an extension on my loan, which to be honest, I am glad of, I'd rather not have further debt. Oh boy! How stressed am I???
So much for being fully engaged and organised!!
Ok, no more beating myself up!
I have 2 hours left on the TV, £102 is the current bid, so whatever happens, I will be ok.
I went to my first Buddhist 'thing' last night and we spent an hour in meditation. That was the first time I have ever meditated and I gotta tell you, it was incredible. I have never been able to quiet my mind before and just relax, I was so chilled out I just can't believe it. I am certainly going next week, and will attempt to try it at home as well.
I can see how being able to meditate will really help me with my studies, to be able to cut out all the white noise and just focus will be an incredible help.
Ok, will let you know later how the enrolment goes. Have a great day.
Friday, 3 September 2010
Good afternoon. Well the TV sold on EBay of £190, which is rubbish but more than I was expecting, so I am happy with that. The sweet guy that won it cannot collect and pay till Saturday morning. Luckily I have the best brother in law in the world and he lent me the enrolment fee's till Saturday. Having overslept this morning, I rushed into town, via MacDonald’s and 2 egg muffins. (all the way there I am telling myself, only 1, only 1,only 1, but when I got to the counter my mouth betrayed me and asked for 2) (That will be why I’m so fat!!!!) I walked straight up to the enrolment point and was enrolled, paid and on my way in about 10 minutes. Phew! It's done.
I then rushed up to extra chorus rehearsals, where we practiced the songs we are singing for convention. Love Me and My Baby Just Cares For Me. If I forgot to mention it, I sing in a Ladies Barbershop Chorus. I felt that we had a good rehearsal and I discovered that I’m not as crap as I think I am, there are just a couple of low notes that I can't reach, so we worked on them.
Well, phew, something of a discombobulated afternoon now, the stressy rushy bits are over and now I just have to get the reading materiel I need tomorrow after work. I believe that we will be covering Mary Shelly's Frankenstein and Shakespears The Tempest. Started reading the Tempest and its not as tough going as I thought, but my copy is in Shakespears complete works, and that book is way too heavy to trawl to college and back. I bought a book on the life of Mary Shelly because I thought it would give me some insight to her works, but to be honest, it’s boring and really hard going.
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Hello, well it’s gone! The guy came to pick up the TV this morning. I had said that as it weighs so much, you will need to bring someone to help you lift it. He did. His 7 year old son. Plonker! I almost felt sorry for him as I watched him struggle to carry it to his car. Almost but not quite. I am a horrible person!
So, tonight is my first night without a zombie box to suck my creativity and soul away
I had a fun day at work, bought a shopful of cat food then came home to a gorgeous takeaway from my absolute favourite Indian restraunt, Zaal. Oh boy their food is fabulous.
Oh and you will never guess! I planned on going to WHSmiths after work to buy the Tempest for class, and it only flippin well got donated at the shop, woo hoo! Considerably cheaper than new, and... No being tempted in the book shop!!!
Completely off subject a moment. Yes; I am that crazy cat lady that smug married people talk about not quite quietly! Anyhoo..... my Suki Puss has started to bring moths and spiders into the living room and proceed to eat them on my new cream carpet. As a Buddhist, I have a moral problem with it, kinda...after all she is a cat and that is what they do, but as a neurotically tidy person, I have a big problem with the fact that she never seems to eat the legs and I am frequently coming into the living room in the mornings to find hairy spider legs scattered willy nilly on the floor! Euow! As to the moths....chomp away champ, I can’t abide the awful things. I mean really? What purpose do they serve?
3 more sleeps till classes start, I am sooo excited!
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Its eleven am on Tuesday, "why are you at home?" I hear you cry! I do have excellent hearing!! :)
Well, dumbo here finally found her timetable and though school starts this week, it’s only on Wednesday, a kind of familiarisation day. Luckily I promised myself to be honest on here, or I could end up looking like an organised and intelligent woman!
So, pyjama day it is then.
Day 4 with no TV. I gotta tell you, I haven’t missed it at all. I don’t know if this will be a direct result of not having a TV in the house but.... I am so creative now, have written poetry, read books, made cakes, rearranged my home, visited people with cakes as gifts (I can’t eat them all, I’m fat enough), baked cakes for chorus, slept well, woken on the alarm feeling refreshed...NEVER done that before, still find myself pottering about at bed time when I thought Id be pulling my hair out. It’s been great, ok so tonight will be the tester; I simply love True Blood and now won’t be able to watch it. I can’t play DVD’s on my laptop either, don't know why. Anyhoo, we shall see. I will probably get the books out of the library and read them instead.
My Ellie Cat is still hugely pregnant; she looks like a matchstick figure that has swallowed a football. Poor baby. She just huffs and puffs, flops down and hisses at Suki Puss, with the occasional swipe at her when she can summon the energy. I can feel her babies moving around in her stomach, when she lets me....grumpy bugger!
Been thinking a bit about putting some of my poetry on here. It’s a very personal enterprise. I don’t usually let people read my stuff unless it was written for them, and then it’s usually more in the way of a ditty. If I can figure how to do it, I may just do so.
Have a fab day.
WED SEP 8th 2010
Its 7:30am, Wednesday morning. I woke up before the alarm went off at 6:30, was up, scrubbed, dressed and cuppa tea'd with a tingly excited buzz. Now I have half an hour to kill. I used to think I couldn’t "wake up" when I got up in the mornings, but since the TV went, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Hmmm!
Ok, what to wear, what to wear? First day, gotta set the right tone, so...what to wear? I have gone with the classic jeans, white shirt with splayed cuffs and black waistcoat. Kind of a grown up studenty look. Will wear sneakers but not sure about a coat. I checked the Gardeners World Weather site (the absolutely most accurate!!) and it said possible drizzle later. That didn’t really help. I walk everywhere and have a pretty bad back problem, so need to keep surplus weight to a minimum. I don’t want to be carrying a coat if it turns out warm. The site said 20degrees, but I don’t really understand that in relation to my body temp. Plus, my medication makes me warmer than usual. Ok, will take the coat. Fingers crossed I need it. Ha!
Can you tell that I’m nervous? I’m gabbling!
I have Temple at 7, and classes finish at 3 today, so may spend time in the library rather than walk home then back to town. Hopefully we will get some homework, so that will give me something to do. If not, I do have a book to read.
I have a packed lunch, vegetable rice with Mexican infused quorn pieces and a couple of yogurts. I have a bottle of Pepsi but in future will try and stick to water. I really need to tackle my weight problem and today is as good a day as any to start.
Ok, I’m going to get my sneakers on and I’m off. Yes, I may well pass McDonalds for an egg muffin; after all, I'm fat because I have no willpower!!!
Chat later.
Happy New Year to my Jewish Friends. xx
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Oh my god! I just had the best day ever at college. The class was full of really nice people; I don’t think there is a single one that I won’t get on with. I've already made a couple of friends, arranged a couple of nights out and may even get some official financial assistance with my books. I told the class that I am doing a blog, but that I wouldn’t use anybody’s name. Well, I wouldn’t want to be written about by some random crazy lady, would you?
Friday, 10 September 2010
Just a quick update: my ellie cat had her kittens last evening (on my sofa!). She had 2 black, 2 gingers and one a beautiful beige colour. So far they are the noisiest batch we have had, they squeak and squeal constantly if there isn’t a teat in their mouth. They also seem to be really active, a couple have already wriggled off the cats' throne, where they cried until mommy picked them up. She had to finish her milk first of course. Ellie cat is a great mom, she always has been (this is her 3rd litter). She stays with them all the time and its so cute to see as she has her 'arms' around the whole bunch as they sleep. I know that it is not the done thing, but ellie has never minded me handling her babies, I don’t unless I have to, but she is really ok with it. Last lot she actually plonked them on my bed and kept putting them back every time I moved them. Right smack bang centre of the bed too, almost as if she had measured it. I tried sleeping without moving them but realised quite quickly that the cat was actually taking the p**s!
Monday, 13 September 2010
I have completed my first homework assignment, not too shabby! Possibly not on the day I intended but still not the night before it’s due in. Even though it is not part of our grade, I still wanted to give it 100%, start as I mean to go on etc.
I quite enjoyed it actually. It was about University Fee's and I will post it here after we have handed them in. Any and all feedback will be welcome, that’s why I’m at college....to learn.
Quick update on the kittens.............Aaaaaaah!
Seriously, they are fine, getting fat and wiggling about, climbing all over their mommy to fall asleep in unnatural positions. The beige one is going to be trouble, I can tell. It is the squealinest, fightenist kitten ever. If it were a child, it would be a brat, but as they are my babies...they are adorable. My nephew of 6 years old managed to get here in time to watch one of them being born last week. Not too sure how he felt about that but he was certainly amused by the mess
I regularly go on Plenty of Fish. Mostly because I like being fancied and it boosts my ego. However, I now have a right nut job messaging me who has a grump on just because I won't meet him. I am 6 foot and he is 5 foot 8 inches. I am not shallow but do have a bad back and those 4 inches are a killer to me! Not only that, the guy just doesn’t seem wired up right. So, in the interests of being a rotten sod, I’m pasting his messages on here so that you too can have a giggle
This is the first after I said he was too short...
try something different ,
beauty is not related to tall, is related to harmony mind and body
as you can see on my photo I have a perfect shape
5.8-6 = 2
for 2 inch you refuse to be happy?
:o)
ok, not too bad
he is French by the way
second message after I said its 4 inches not 2
is 2 inch not 4
you wear heels fine I like it
a man as a woman is more than inch ....
what about sex, do is related to size?
what about conversation taller are more intelligent?
what about Friendship do the size of heart is related to the size
of our body?
what about intelligence to the brain are related to the colour of
hair, of course not, only peoples programmed by society stereo
type believe that blond are not intelligent
blond are very intelligent like everybody when they are open to
new ideas....
do you fell more about with tall person, or more with a person
with who you have a good time out and in,
when you walk in street, do you choice a man for you, or a man
for the peoples who are looking you?
I am fit body and mind as you can see sweety
if you go more far than your limitation, and spend few time with
me out , or better be close and intimate you will never look man
like before....
:o)
Kiss you all over pretty Darling
Ami
xx
Is it just me, or is that a bit creepy? I have no argument with his argument, of course intelligence, conversation and friendship should not be based on height or appearance, but this is a man who signs off saying kiss you all over???
Also, for a man who believes that height and appearance are immaterial, why does his profile have a pic of his body but no head?
Or, again, I could just be the world’s unkindest bitch!
Oh, and for any guys reading this, the answer to line 4? YES!
In the interests of being an unkind bitch.....just wait till I post some of the messages I get from overseas!
OMG!
Ok, feeling slightly fluttery, I have my first proper lesson today, English Language and Literature at 1:30pm.
I had some bad news at chorus last night and have woken up feeling distracted and worried; I really don’t want it to affect my day. So, I have to try and shake it off.
We have a convention coming up in October, where all the Ladies Barbershop Chorus' compete. Being a little unrealistic, I signed up to go. My beautiful daddy paid half the cost when he was over for a holiday in June and I naively believed that I could raise the rest. Well, time is running out and I can't. I sold the TV to pay my school fees and have nothing of value left. Being on benefits; one fortnightly payday covers bills and one fortnightly payday covers food. There is no room for anything else. So, with tail between my legs, I informed the chorus that I would have to cancel my place. I hoped that I would get my money back. At the end of the night, I was asked to step into the back room where I was told, all be it uncomfortably, that my place had been paid for so I still had to pay the rest of the cost. God! I could have cried. So, my mind is roiling
If I have to pay anyway, then I might as well go, how in hell I’m going to pay for it is still a mystery. I am very stressed about it and my psoriasis is going loopy on my scalp. I woke up with a bloody pillow again. Imagine what I would be like if I were not drugged up to the eyeballs with anti-depressants!!
The only thing I can think of is to skip my bills, again. Aaaarrrggghhh!
So, I have to try and block that so that I can concentrate at college today.
I did get sung Happy Birthday to at chorus last night, and whilst standing there slightly embarrassed but pleased, I realised that I have never had that sung to me before. It was a special moment for me.
For those of you wondering how in hell you manage to last 45 years on this planet without hearing happy birthday sung to you.....my family were Jehovah's Witnesses when I was a child, then I spent my adult life in a relationship with a misogynistic, self absorbed serial cheater who cared less for me than his nail clippings.
Do not feel that I am a 'poor me'. I am not! I am a happy, well adjusted woman with a fabulous future waiting for me, and I am taking the steps to keep me on track to get there. x
Posted by Bea the mature student at Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Ok, first 'proper' day done. It was good, more of a 'this is what we will be doing day'.
I got to college early so that I could print off my homework, in the library I bumped into then sat next to one of the boys, who, it turns out, is actually 32!!! Still think he's having me on. Jeez! Now I know I’m getting old! So, I made the mistake of looking at his homework, then quickly adapted mine. I had completely overlooked the word 'summarise' in the assignment. I have never gotten my head around using 4 words when 40 will do just as well.
In class, I felt myself getting grumpy, no reason whatsoever for this, but we had to do a 'getting to know you' exercise, that I hate! However, I relaxed and found myself enjoying getting to know a little about the rest of the class. Duh! That’s the point Blondie!!!
We had to do an assessment which, though it looks easy, was a little bit tricky. We had to put the punctuation into a typed passage with none in it. I was quite pleased with myself until I reread the instructions, then realised that it said there were 30 missing, I'd done 9! Back at it then.
We then had a couple of sentence structure tasks and finally to write a short (100 words....help!) piece at the end. So, being under pressure - my spelling and punctuation went to hell in a hand basket.
At the coffee break I chose to stay in the class. If I go out and chat, I will just want a coffee, and I have nada money. Also, its nice to have a bit of quiet after the noise of 19 people (most of them under 25) in the class. Being a solitary person, people noise is hard to handle sometimes.
Oh, I have a date. Well, 2 actually. One is the guy who bought my sat nav. He got a bit chatty on the phone and invited me for a curry and a beer. Yum. I have to find him a hotel/motel locally so that he can have a drink. The other guy is from POF. He lives in Ipswich and on paper we should get on. The POF guy is Friday and the sat nav guy is to be arranged later in the week.
On the way home from college, I walked up the hill with one of my new class mates. She and I had sat next to each other and chatted a bit. I showed her how to get on the computers and she showed me that we receive emails on it! Didn’t know that!! I thought that they emailed to your personal account, i.e., hotmail. Live and learn.
News update: The POF guy text me and asked if I would like to go for a drink tonight. I said yes. Got the serious wobbles now as I sit here choking on my own perfume worrying how I look. I mean, for gods sake! What do you wear on a date for a drink with a guy you've never met?
Luckily he phoned to make arrangements. I gotta tell you, he has the sexiest voice. I may be in trouble here. Lets hope he's a bush pig and we don’t get on. But we did laughingly discuss wardrobe for the evening, he was as worried as me about what to wear. We both agreed to play safe and go with jeans. Easy for him, I still have to worry about cleavage/no cleavage, hair smooth/just shagged look, sexy top/mommy top. I could go on but you, oh shoot.....footwear, are sneakers too casual? No way am I wearing heels, I don't remember how tall he said he is. (Remember the French situation?) My new flats pinch and I don’t want to be hobbling behind him like Quasimodo, which tends to set the wrong tone.
Ok, he just text me to say he's leaving and should be here in about half an hour. God help me, I feel sick. I can’t remember the last time I was on a date. It’s all well and good chatting on line, but I’m actually going to meet a real live person. Please be ugly, please be ugly.
Homework assignment #1
English Assignment
Bea Marshall
14th September 2010
Autobiography
Hello world, my name is Bea. I lived, I laughed, I cried, I almost died. There you go, that’s the story of my life so far.
I am thinking however, that our English teacher is expecting a little more than this to read, whilst sipping her coffee and dunking hob nobs.
So, what do you want to know? What has been my 'journey' so far? Well, I was born in a small, parochial village where most of the inhabitants bore a strong resemblance to their neighbors. Luckily we were outsiders and therefore shunned and whispered about by the locals. I was a poster child for post war Britain, with my blonde curls and chubby smile; I embodied all that was good in the meat and two veg, followed by pudding and custard society. I moved house so often that I felt it unnecessary to unpack and my father, the lucky devil, worked away from home to provide a roof and sustenance for his high maintenance wife and ever growing brood.
In order to conform to the lowest common denominator, I allowed my spirit and intellect to be crushed, and then ground underfoot for good measure. A wasted exercise, as I mistakenly became a model and further evidence was shown of my non-conformism. Creating a highly visible target for taunts and chewing gum.
My pious family decided that rather than spend exorbitant amounts of money on birthday and Christmas presents for their offspring, they would become Jehovah's Witnesses. Thereby eliminating the need to fritter their well earned pennies on fripperies. As a lucky by product of this, it also allowed the local mouth breathers to pound on me with impunity, as I had been instructed to "turn the other cheek, or it’s the belt for you!"
Being sent out of a high percentage of classes due to my families' religious fanaticism, and being ostracized by the locals, allowed me to develop an imagination. And what an imagination I have! I can loose myself in a book for whole days at a time, wafting on a magic carpet to the land of spice and adventure, where poor princesses are rescued by handsome princes with super large fortunes. This did not set me in good stead for adulthood.
A stint of sleeping rough in London as a teen was followed inevitably by becoming a mother at 19. The most beautiful and precious little girl was given into my care and my life changed forever. As parenting is a hit and miss affair, I am still in awe of my daughter turning out as well as she has. More luck than judgment, let me assure you.
I made the usual mistake that is so often made by little girls who believe in fairy stories; I fell in love with an ogre who kept me a prisoner in my own mind for twenty years. He did, however, give me the gift of a tiny prince to raise, that he had miraculously created with one of the village idiots. A beautiful and precious little boy that I love with all my heart. It is with an amusing twist of the norm, as is generally reported in fairy tales, this beautiful little prince loves the beautiful stepmother and is mis-understood by the ugly village idiot. He he he!
Luckily, my years knocking on the doors of strangers, trying to interest them in religion, whilst they were clearly trying to get back to the can of Fosters they had left laying on the sofa, put me in good stead for a life in sales. I was an expert at rejection. Water off a ducks back! I held several roles, working my way from volunteer in a charity shop to training others in retail management. I then switched careers and became an area sales manager for the largest direct sales cosmetics company in the world, and along with a team of 300+ representatives, under my care and tutelage, my area turned over an average of £1million a year in sales. I was pretty good at that.
My serial cheating ogre and my stressful job combined to create the best life opportunity I could have ever asked for. I had a nervous breakdown, lost my job and home and spent the ensuing months without anywhere to live. Heaven! Now I had nothing to loose!
A lot of very hard work and determination went into my recovery. I viewed it as a reset button on a computer. I was now able to completely reinvent myself. I could be anyone I chose. So, I had to think long and hard about where I wanted my life to go. What did I want to achieve? How did I want to live? What purpose could I serve?
The Colchester Institutes' Guidance Course Counselor par excellence to the rescue!
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Well, the date went really well. I was in the middle of writing my English assignment when he arrived. I asked him to pop in a minute while I put my shoes on. He asked what I was writing, so I told him, he said he thought I was a good writer and could he take a look? Of course, I was really excited about my essay, it was fun writing it and I was a bit miffed at having to stop. Anyway, long story short... Yes, he was yummy, intelligent, articulate, charming, blah blah blah and we had a really fun evening. Even down to the (he) giggles at the end of the night not wanting to leave. He finally gave me a quick peck and left asking if we could meet up again. Wow! I’m in heaven now right? My first date in forever and it was good. Yippee!
So, I text him an hour later, with 'thanks for a lovely evening, hope you got home safely'. To which he replied in the affirmative, he also had a nice time, yada yada, yada. I ask, 'are we still on for Friday?' 'Oh' says he, 'I feel it only fair to mention that I still have a couple of dates lined up, Friday and Sunday.'
Well. Guess it was only me having a good time, and he is a world class actor.
So, to college. Lots of people wanting to know what happened, how the date went, etc. At the refectory table, a group of about ten of us sat chatting and I described the evening and subsequent messages. The consensus was that the guy wasn't interested. Even if he were, I'm nobody’s back up plan.
Study skills first. A lovely small class because there was some confusion over where we all should be. The tutor was nice, poor thing is also going to have my daughter in her biology class in Braintree! She offered to look over our essays if need be before submitting, and took us through very basic study techniques.
Then we had writing skills. Pretty much just covered what we will be doing in class for the year. The group was too big so the tutor decided to split us in half for next week. The writing skills tutor is going to be my personal tutor, which I am pleased about as I like her a lot.
Toward the end of the lesson...'Bea, could you come to my office in half an hour please?' Shit! I’ve only been here a couple of days, who could I possibly have upset already? So, I arrive at the staff room, and there are two of them. I’ve been here before, if they need a witness, then it’s official. I felt sick and wanted to cry. I’m a big girl now though, so I faked cheerful. It turns out that the college is concerned about my writing a blog. They feel that I could potentially open myself and the college to litigation at any time. Everyone may be happy and friendly at the moment, but later when we are all overstretched and stressed out with our work load, any perceived slight could cause problems. Well, I hadn't thought of that. I should know more than anyone how what I say can be misconstrued. I explained that I totally saw their point and hadn't even considered any problems that might arise. I said that I just had this idea, thought it was brilliant and jumped right in, feet first. The tutors agreed that it was a good idea, going so far as to say that they believed that it was high time a personal 'journey' was put out in the public domain. They just didn't think a blog was the best medium. Why didn't I write it as an ongoing diary and publish it at the end of the scholastic year, therefore avoiding any conflict for the college. They made it clear that they could not make me stop blogging, but that they would prefer if I did. I have to admit, I agree. Especially if I can get it published. Who doesn’t want to see their words immortalized in a book?
After lunch break, we had numeracy. My worst subject, the one I dreaded above all, the one I kept telling myself' 'you are not the only mathematical idiot in here'. We got the work back that we had completed the previous week in the induction day. I got a grade one and was really disappointed. I got a couple of iffy looks when I groaned. Then the teacher said that we were marked out of a possible 46.l I got 40!!! WooHoo!! I’m not an idiot! All the arithmetic I got spot on, all the fiddly stuff, I stuffed up! Knew I couldn't do equations and area's etc.
I went back to the refectory and sat with my pals. I told them what had been said and that I had agreed to stop the blog. A couple were disappointed, a few were angry on my behalf and as I clearly hadn't made myself understood properly, we all discussed possible problems that could have arisen. I convinced them that I was truly ok with the decision and that I would continue as a diary.
I.T came next. Even though I’m pretty proficient on the computer, I still learnt things with our brilliiant teacher, and rather than dread I.T as a waste of time, I am looking forward to taking it next week.
When I got home, I was exhausted. I thought I was loosing my mind! I finished off my homework, took a quick shower and collapsed into bed. How on earth was I tired? I hadn't exactly stretched myself through the day. In the morning, I logged onto face book, only to find that many of my classmates were equally shattered. So, I guess its normal then. I suppose, as my brain hadn't been used for a couple of years, it was only to be expected. Except I didn’t expect it. Hey ho!
Friday 17 September 2010
Awoke at a reasonable hour, after weird dreams about beautifully dressed vampires, which were being persecuted and chased from town to town. There were even an underground sect of vampires hiding on a whole deck of a ship that was parked in the middle of this abstract city. Their gorgeous outfits were being photographed for a magazine and I saw 'the worlds' largest toy; reduced to £5'. But was annoyed because even though the box was sizeable, the toy itself was the size, shape and look of a Frisbee. I thought it was a jip! Whilst bemoaning thus jip, I completely missed David Borreanas running around topless looking for a new girlfriend.
My daughters friend, who I refer to as my 'other daughter' called to see what time she should come over, as she was doing me a set of acrylic nails and false eyelashes as my birthday present. She turned up and we chatted for ages, whilst she put on the eyelashes. Now, for those of you who are either: a) blessed with lashes or: b) never had falsies, this is how they go on. You lay on the couch, whilst the other person sits at your head end for easier access. The person then tapes your bottom set of lashes to your face, to prevent the glue from dripping and sticking your top and bottom lashes together. Then, each individual eyelash is glued to your natural eyelash, very very gently. With me so far? Yep, glue. Ok, so we are now trying a new glue, especially designed for this purpose. BY A MYSOGINISTIC, SADISTIC, BASTARD OF A MAN! Clearly, whoever designed this Super Glue masquerading as gentle eyelash glue, has real issues with his mother. Probably tortured small animals, and more than likely wears his grannies corset whilst Googling true life autopsy pictures. Jesus Christ! That shit STUNG! It was like having liquid acid poured into your eyeballs. This goes on for about half an hour. Longer if you’re crying, as the glue doesn’t set and the lash falls off.
I now look gorgeous. Well, I will after my eyes have stopped weeping and the swelling goes down. I'm sure the redness will be gone in time for my Birthday Bash tomorrow. I can always use the red-eye reducer function on Photoshop if it hasn't. My nails are fabulous, extending about an inch from my fingertips. The tips are in a hologramatic glitter effect and really are gorgeous. I will have to wear pull on trousers and be really careful in the shower, but they are so worth a little adjustment in my daily routine. I've just thought. What if I need a poo? Brrr! Doesn’t bear thinking about!
The girls have now got their costumes for my birthday. they mordered them and bought them over today. Neither girl could wait to try them on, so they rushed into the bedroom. I could hear squeals and giggles followed by clomping as both of them emerged into the living room, resplendent in their outfits. Number one is Little Bo Peep, with such a cute little costume that emphasizes her ample curves. Number two is a cat. She certainly puts Hale Berry to shame. Her costume is not at all cute, but very sexy and they both look stunning; even though they are both standing in front of me, striking grotesque poses in an approximation of porn models! Sometimes I think they forget that I'm the mommy, and that I'm envious of their youth and firm bits! I'm going to look like a dogs' dinner in my French maids outfit, but I am 45 tomorrow and 4 stone overweight. You can polish a turd as much as you like its still a turd! I do have a surefire way of looking gorgeous though, I get off my face drunk, and then I know I’m the hottest thing in heels! So, that’s the plan for tomorrow. I hope people show up, but I know it will just be the usual suspects. I really need to start making friends soon. Hopefully college will help on that front.
P.S, do you have any idea how difficult it is to type with these talon like nails?
Sunday 19 September 2010
Woke on my birthday morning feeling refreshed and cheerful. Just made myself a cup of tea and my sister and her family arrived with smiles, happy birthdays and a gorgeous chocolate cake. We all had a piece of the cake which my soon to be brother in law picked out, and I have to say, it tasted even better than it looked. I have a photo of the cake as my wallpaper on my mobile phone.
Sister and I went into town where she treated me to a lovely vegetarian fry up in my favorite restaurant I got 'happy birthdays’ from people we bumped into and I felt fab. We then wandered over to the park for the Free Festival. The sun had come out and so had the crowds, the park was buzzing with happy people milling about, listening to any one of the numerous live bands playing. The stalls were prettily arranged around the edge of the park, and there was an expectant jollity permeating the air. Everyone was cheerful, smiley and friendly. Children were happy and inquisitive, no screaming brats at all. There were interesting art tents erected, welcoming the public inside to try their weird and wonderful inventions. My sister had thoughtfully filled soda pop bottles with vodka and lemonade, and this was sipped, as we perused the proffered pastiches and stuff. We found a spot in front of the main stage to sit and plonked ourselves down in a lady like manner.
My sisters' friend was due to sing with her band at 1:30 and we were keen to hear her. Some of my sisters other friends started to arrive with their incumbent offspring and partners. Each said hello to my sister then orbited the friend who was due to perform. I like this woman, she is beautiful to look at, and has always appeared without guile or artifice. The same cannot be said, however for her friends. I don’t think that she is aware of the artificiality of her circle, or, maybe she is also an incredible actor. Who knows? The circle acknowledged my sister and ignored me. This can be viewed in a number of ways; let me address two. I felt offended that my sister was not regarded with the same sycophancy shown to the singer. She is my sister, smart, beautiful, funny and interesting also. I am not used to being ignored. This is a new phenomenon to me, but one I am willing to cogitate upon, as I appear to be at that age now where I am suddenly invisible, uninteresting and sexless. I am not so blasé as I appear; this is a very difficult transition for me. But, as it is irreversible, I shall do my best to come to terms with it.
The music at the festival was really loud (that age thing again!) and also, my equilibrium was being disturbed by the rudeness of my sisters' friends. She, in turn, appeared to be unaware of this and sat quite happily being peripheral. I decided that I would rather be at home and asked sister if she was happy to stay without me. I like to think she thought about this, but the speed of her affirmation would suggest that this was not the case. Good. I was able to leave, free of any guilt. Whilst leaving the park, a complete stranger struck up a conversation with me about nothing in particular and we spent a few minutes chatting as we were headed the same way. We each parted company with a smile and an acknowledgement that life is good and people are too. So, yah boo sucks to you, sister’s snotty friends!!!!
We go to otheranother house to get ready. Why do beautiful girls take so long? They need so much less cosmetic attention than us mere mortals. Whatever. They looked incredible. I broke my someone's zip as I tried to do it up. She had spent a fortune on their outfits and I think she behaved very well considering. I would have thrown a tantrum, she just looked upset. We had to come back to mine so that I could sew her into her costume. Try doing that with these nails! Then we piled round to my sisters. Little Bo Peep, a Cat, a saucy French Maid and a Nun were almost ready for a night on the town. We quickly downed several vodka Bailey Shots, to help the evening along a bit, and to give us the courage to walk into a bar dressed as we were.
We went to several bars, had lots of drinks, met up with someonefrom school, had more drinks, got some chips and came home. It was a nice night out with lots of laughs but I realized that I don’t want to do it again. I really am too old. I would much rather a comedy club or a play, even the pictures. My feet were killing me, shed loads of money was drunk, idiots I will never see again felt they could kiss my cheek and we lost my one person when we went to the loo. I now know that she had had enough and taken herself off home. Yeah, thanks for letting us stand around drunk, cold and out of our minds with worry for an hour or more looking for you!
Tuesday 21 September 2010
I went into town with my sister as she has her engagement party at the weekend. She wanted to buy a new outfit and I fancied a stroll around town. We spent a pleasant couple of hours looking at girly stuff, and I naughtily bought a few flowers for my hair. The thing about being really fat; you never shop for clothes! Way too depressing; stick to accessories and shoes. That way you don’t burst into tears in the changing room.
I got to college a wee bit early as I had gotten a lift and met up with one of my new friends in Matalan. When did Matalan go up market and expensive? I was shocked at the prices in there; it used to be a safe place to get fun stuff. Not any more!
I met up with a couple of classmates. A pleasant hour was spent chatting about nothing and I reflected on how easily we all seemed to fit together. There just doesn’t seem to be any awkwardness in the whole group. Usually I can point out several people on day one that I won’t get along with. Maybe I’m mellowing in my old age!
Up to English class and we jumped straight into a proper lesson. Oh My God! What have I let myself in for? The tutor was speaking a foreign language and I couldn’t comprehend a single thing she was saying. The kids that are fresh from high school were on the ball and completely at ease with the slurry of exotic sounding syllably filled words issuing forth from the tutors lips. I sat and stared in a blank daze. And I want to be an English Teacher? Who am I trying to kid?
The kids in the class did not stop talking, whispering and giggling. I wanted to cry with frustration, how was I ever going to be able to do this? I had a headache brewing that was making me feel quite nauseous. A student and I were sat together and we both looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. At least it wasn’t just me. Just over half way through, I had to ask the class to shut up. I tried to make it sound amusing; joking that us old birds learn differently from the young chicks, and they were quiet for about ten minutes, then the noise levels crept up again.
I know that this is my problem to deal with. I know that the kids will never comprehend anything that does not immediately affect them, so I have to work on how to be able to concentrate with all that background noise. At home, I live alone and am in complete control of my environment, which I keep quiet. So it was always going to be a struggle to concentrate. I arrogantly thought that I knew enough already that I could sit through a class and catch up at home. That is not the case. I know next to nothing, and there is a wealth of information being presented to us every lesson that I must hear and comprehend.
So, off to my sisters’ house after college to gorge on pizza and garlic bread. Then an early night as I had belly ache and felt a bit sick.
Wednesday 23 September 2010
I awoke early and alert. This no TV thing seems to really be working for me. Couldn’t have my cup of tea, because yet again, I had forgotten to buy tea bags. Waking up to coffee just makes me feel all wrong. I had a nice walk to college. I had left a little earlier and was really enjoying the sights in peoples’ gardens. There was a dearth of jewel encrusted webs, glinting like a Haversham-esq fantasy bought to life just for me. The birds were singing in the trees, roses were gently scenting the air and as I reached town, I was witness to its slow emergence from sleep.
My first class of the day was study skills. I received my homework back with comments about my not having summarized properly. I knew that would be the case. The tutor also wrote that I had a good grasp of the language and expressed myself well. Well, Duh!
Writing skills was next and at the bottom of my homework was written ‘good’. Good what? I know that I am one of many, but a little more please? Also, good is not excellent, what should I have done for an excellent? To speak up in class and ask would appear arrogant and churlish. So I didn’t.
Lunch time in the Refectory with the Marmite Gang.
I had asked my writing skills tutor if she would like a look at what I have written so far on my (this) book. So, I left a printed copy on the desk in the staff room. Fingers crossed. I know that my punctuation is appalling and am constantly trying to better it, but I think that the content is amusing and easy to read. I shall find out what she thinks next week.
After lunch, we all had Numeracy. Euow! We covered Prime numbers (?) And Factors (??). I actually got the hang of it, but all the way through, was concerned that come the exam, I would not remember which was which and how to do them.
Lastly, I.T with our lovely I.T tutor. Because I knew what we were doing, I raced ahead then started checking my emails and facebook account. When I realized that we had moved onto another topic, I had missed all that she had said and was behind. Typical hare and tortoise. So, I had to ask about and disrupt the others whilst I caught up. Must do better!
After I.T class, I stood chatting with the tutor for about twenty minutes. She is just so damned nice! I love talking with her, we waffled on about radio 4 programmes, study methods. She has to teach to complete beginners and advanced people in the same lesson, and I think she handles it really well. Even though I am quite proficient on the computer, I have still learned something in each of her lessons.but really good. She seems to be very at ease with the class and has a lovely way about her that is fun and not condescending. She makes these impossible things, easy to understand. That is some skill!
Tuesday 28 September 2010
My sister had her Engagement Party on Saturday. It started at 3pm. Yeah, you heard me, 3 in the afternoon. She started calling me at 1pm, telling me “I’m ready, and I’m bored. When will you get here?” After a couple more phone calls, I gave in; put down this really good book I’m lost in and walked up to her house. Just the two of us then, as her fella had gone to the store for something or other. We downed a couple of drinks and she skitted about, jumping up as someone passed her window or if a car slowed outside.
At any one time, there were no more than 7 guests, which allowed for some quite nice conversations to flow. Two of the guests were Bro in Laws’ ex mother in law and her partner. (Really long story!!) She was such a lovely lady, as she left, I remember asking her if she would be my mom too. She gave me a kiss and giggled sweetly.
At about 9pm, I was pretty drunk and feeling so miserable. Last weeks contretemps (In a bid to save the peace, details of this have been removed) was still so much on my mind. I was chasing miserable, self destructive thoughts around and around my head. How dare someone threaten me in my own home? Why didn’t my anyonefeel it worth calling me to see if I was ok? What happens if he comes back? Who have I got to stand up for me or to protect me? Why does my life suck? So, with a tear oozing down my cheek, I quietly slipped away and cried all the way home.
I got into bed and curled up with my book. Then I jumped out of bed and found the only written evidence of the Ogre’s phone number that I had forgotten to erase from my life. The back of my passport as my next of kin. Yep, you guessed it. After 2 years of careful avoidance, nursing myself back to health, sticking back the pieces of my obliterated psyche, I called him. Pratt!
Within minutes, seriously! Within minutes, he was at my door. I Am A Bloody Pratt!
I made him a cup of tea and sat and listened as he told me all about the family back in the States. What everyone had been doing, how they were all faring. The last 3 years evaporated. I was back in the zone, being talked at and filled in on every thought and action he had taken since we last spoke, as if nothing had ever happened. As if he had never pushed me to try and take my own life. Not once did he ask how I was, what I was doing, how I had been. He complimented my home, but only in so much as it would suit him very nicely.
Not only am I feeling miserable because I am friendless, family-less and alone, but I’ve just invited the narcissistic Ogre back into my life. God I am so bloody stupid!!! He had no idea how I was feeling, no interest in my wellbeing, knew all about my being threatened and cared even less. Why would I possibly think things would be any different? Bloody, bloody fairy tales!
Sunday disappeared. I’m sure it only lasted a couple of hours. I didn’t have a hangover, didn’t feel yukky or any of the usual after effects of too much vodka. I felt pretty ok. Still miserable and teary but this is something that I really have to work on. I will not allow this to dominate my life any more.
I called at my friends’ house that I haven’t visited for a few weeks. She is going through the mill, she is 24, has 2 kids and recently broken up with the only man she has ever been with. The strain is starting to show, and she is stumbling through life in a daze. I don’t know how to help her and find it exhausting trying. I know that makes me a selfish cow, but. I have my own issues to struggle with. Yeah, I know, you wouldn’t want me for a friend.
Yesterday, I sold my beautiful green handbag to a nice lady for £20. I am really happy with that. Tesco, here I come!
Got some FOOD! Not had any of that for a few weeks. Woo Hoo! As I sit here, I am eating a jam sandwich for my breakfast. Not terribly healthy, but…gotta love those carbs! J When I finish my cup of tea, I’m going to stroll into town to the library, then wander down to college to meet the Marmite Gang for coffee before lessons. And, I’m going to buy my own! So there! Cos, I got £2 to spend, all on myself! See you later…
Wednesday 29 September 2010
Yesterday; Lunch and coffee with a friend, comparing the kitty cats dot com. This is where we talked pussy cats and compared pictures on our phones, each believing that ours were the most beautiful and funniest, oh, and cleverest. She is still sad and talked me through the accident that killed her cat yesterday. I could feel my toes clenching as I imagined it being one of mine.
I am still feeling a bit ‘off’ but am deciding